Four poems of remembrance and loss by Lupita Velasco
A note from the author: These poems were written after my father, Antonio, took his own life—losing his battle with depression and alcoholism.
No Me Quieren Escuchar I run around with my insides in my hands taking them to you, to him, to them. No one knows what to do, so you all watch as I stuff them back in and conceal them with a cloth. All is well even though the blood drips out. You can ignore it, just mop it up y ya se esconde. Todo está bien, no mal, just bien. Hay que seguir aguantando the pain. Porque él se fue sin tí, sin mí corriendo del dolor de aquí.
They Move On
I want him remembered, not forgotten. But, I’m not allowed to grieve. Obscurity, sadness, pain is what everyone sees. Uncomfortable, intolerable, so they don’t speak. As if erasing him erases the pain. Now that he is gone the pain is gone. Life goes on. All is well. Package it up with a neat little bow, and away it goes. Away from you. He lives in me. It’s hard for you to understand. So, we pretend that you don’t see, the sadness living in me. See, you walked away from him long before he walked away from me.
Lo Que Dejo
Will I ever feel safe again? Did I ever feel safe before? No yo creo que no, el alcohol siempre tuvo el control. Querían descansar de él, y no saber más.
Pero ya se fue, ya no está, y en el vacío no podrán descansar. O alomejor sí, pero yo no. Yo siempre lo espere ver mejor. Que algún día ya no iba tomar y ya nomás sería buen papá.
El, todos, yo, nomás ocupábamos amor, pero nos dejamos llevar por el dolor. Se nos olvidó, que para sanar el dolor nomás ocupamos demostrar más amor. Es fácil tenerles compasión a las personas buenas, pero la compasión también es para las personas enfermas.
Never Coming Back
A little girl looks to her dad for strength, the rock that keeps things in their place. I never knew how safe I felt until I went one day without the strongest man I ever knew the funniest one too. But he is gone, and this I know: I have never felt this much alone.
Lupita Velasco was born in Calvillo, Aguascalientes, Mexico; but grew up as an undocumented immigrant in Oklahoma. As a sheltered immigrant, Lupita found comfort, adventure, and refuge in literature from a very young age. Reading is Lupita’s favorite escape and writing her favorite form of expression. Lupita graduated from the University of Oklahoma in 2011 with a bachelor’s in International Studies and a minor in Criminology. Lupita currently lives in Bethany, Oklahoma with her neurodivergent husband, two daughters, and four chickens.